This is a weirdly personal and intimate post, but it's been cathartic to put into words.
Perhaps it will be of interest to you, perhaps it won't. I hope it will though.
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I have always had a particular affinity to rules, and the idea of order. From grammar or timekeeping to meticulously organising album art on iTunes, the world has always make sense to me when it followed a logical set of rules.
As a child, I held onto very clear interpretations of what was right and what was wrong. The world was black and white, and it was easy to make sense of it this way. Don't do this, it's bad. Make sure you do this, it's a good thing to do. I think that I have slowly learned, as I'm sure we all do, over the course of my life thus far, that life is rarely so binary and straightforward. It's a complicated and intricate interconnected web consisting of the hopes and dreams of billions of people, and the "good" of someone's world may be the polar opposite for someone else's. It's messy, tangled, and grey. I suppose what I am saying here is that life is far too nuanced and vast to fit into such rigid definitions; I think I struggled to figure out how to adapt to my increasing awareness of this discovery for the longest time, and it's undoubtedly played a major role in shaping who I am.
I think it's fair to say that I've always been a notoriously stoic - and often fervently stubborn - person. For the longest time I've doubled down on so many things about myself; things that I thought were intrinsically and integrally part of me, because I'd spent so long leaning into those elements of myself.
I've always tried to look back on my past self and the decisions I made, the things I said, the paths I took, and find a way to make them make sense, as part of some consistent, unmoving, justified way of being. I thought that I would find some sort of comfort and solace in the idea that I've always been a certain way, and acted constantly in the same unwavering (and predictable) fashion. Like I could somehow look back on a life's worth of decisions and actions and sit back, smile, and think, "Yup. This all tracks.", and be happy with that.
However, it has become increasingly obvious to me this year how flawed and self-sabotaging this mentality can be. Firstly, it doesn't promote or encourage the ability to learn from mistakes, because a mistake can be erased by being redefined as somehow part of some greater overall consistent and stoic approach. And when mistakes don't happen, the learning that comes from reflecting upon that mistake then also doesn't happen. Secondly, it doesn't allow you to alter your course, change your mind or abandon a commitment without being inherently "hypocritical" somehow. I've occasionally found myself cornered by my own "hypocrisy", and managed to work myself into a sour mood simply because I've not been "consistent". But the truth is that no-one is keeping score. No-one is tracking your every micro-movement on an enormous ethereal scoreboard, and quite frankly no-one cares if you're being "hypocritical" in relation to things you may have done or said months, or indeed, years ago. What they do care about, however, is that you are capable of admitting when you were wrong or that you have changed your mind, and that you are able to learn, grow and flourish from an experience. Deciding to tow a certain line, no matter what, is idealistic and in some instances, noble. But it's not fit for purpose in a world that is so fluid and, as I mentioned, so tangled and grey. Priorities shift, minds change, people learn and grow, and holding onto some once-character defining ideal for the sake it just isn't useful or productive to anyone. I've been reluctant to ever look back at my past self and concede that I had made a poor decision or that I wouldn't make the same choice today knowing what I have learned since - but, thinking about it now, that's essential for growth. We learn things every day, and we meet new people and visit new places that offer us expanded perspectives beyond our own limited visions. I'd hate to throw all of that away simply because I stubbornly convinced myself that I thought my younger self "knew best".
It has been incredibly cathartic and empowering to come to this realisation, and I'm almost sad that it took me so long to get here. Almost. Because it's not worth lamenting what could have been - only focusing on what could be. No single life-changing moment has led me to this awareness; but rather an influx of small things that I have found myself trying to approach with a more open mind than I perhaps once would have. I'm slowly finding that I'm enjoying experiencing things I would have once categorically rejected, and I'm at peace with letting go of things I once held dear, but are no longer relevant. And now, rather than looking back and trying to find a singular, consistent, perfect and delicate through-line threaded through my life's decisions, I am beginning to carve out a long and winding path, meandering across the grey chaos that is life. It changes course when it needs to, it doubles back on itself, and gradually heads in an entirely unexpected direction from time to time if it needs to - and all of that is fine. It's a much healthier environment to nurture change - change which isn't hypocrisy, but growth.
This year has been a year of turbulence and change for many people, but I am adamant now that this should be viewed as an opportunity to embrace change that comes your way, and come out of the other side as a stronger, more resilient, learned and dare I say, better, person.